Living my dying

Listen to Elaine speak this entry.

I probably have a year to live. This time last year I had two years to live. This time next year I might be in the ground or frailly existing a yellow, swollen bellied skeleton, literally a shadow of my former self. “Living and yet not living, dying and yet not dying.”

Though the worst of the anger has subsided, I haven’t and still can’t accept it. Everyone thinks I am being so brave but they don’t know I’m still screaming internally at the injustice of it all. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair.

Apart from my maternal grandmother who died tragically young at the age of 37 from breast cancer and my parents who died unnecessarily of suicide and manslaughter at the ages of 38 and 37; at 55 I shall be the youngest person in my extended family to die so young. Why even 21 stone Uncle Cyril, with his 40 a day habit, 6 pints night and penchant for fried food at every meal lived until he was 67. Whereas never smoking, vegetarian, 40 laps of the swimming pool daily isn’t even going to live as long as the average Glaswegian male.

I am trying to die “gracefully” I can’t help these waves of anger and injustice which engulf me whenever I see a smoker or a person I know who’s lived a dissolute life.

3 thoughts on “Living my dying

  1. nadine


    Extremely open and honest assessment of how I am sure most people in your situation feel.

    How sorry I am for you and so helpless.

    I understand your anger and strongly wish things to be different for you, although I know my wish is futile.

    As they say nowadays – you have my maximum respect.

    Love Nadinex

  2. Sue

    Not surprised you’re angry. Some do little more than waste considerable space for decades…and you’ve stuffed in 110% effort all the way.

    Only consolation I can imagine is being blameless for your own predicament . The average reprobate would (albeit later rather than sooner) get ‘If only’s buzzing round the head like bluebootles in a lampshade. Must fog up all the best memories of a longer life somewhat, knowing one had been sowing own doom all along…

    End of waffle -bit trite really(sorry). Like probably most site visitors I’m finding it hard to reply -that’s quite a powerful post. But thought I had to knock the ‘0’ off…

    Fingers crossed you feel better atm, anyway.

    P.S. Got some news to personally thank you for. See email.

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